Forgiveness is the key...

Mick McGoldrick's Story

"I ran out and threw myself down on my knees, and I was hitting the ground with my fists. I remember saying: "Hanging on a cross is nothing to what we're going through." That day I said to my wife: "Bridie, we'll never smile again."

"He was our only child and we didn't want to go on with life. The next day, we decided we would commit suicide. We were calling out to Jesus to come and help us in our grief and that's when God intervened. We looked at each other and both realised it was silly to do this.

"On the Thursday, Michael was to be buried and I went to say a final farewell to him before they put the lid on the coffin. I put my arms on his arms and said: "Michael, I'll see you in Heaven." A great power went out of my son's body and went into me. People say that's impossible, but I know what happened.

"As I came downstairs, two things came to my mind: I had to bury my pride with my son, and I had to forgive his murderers. Now, I realise it was God prompting me to think that, but I didn't know that at the time. The TV cameras interviewed me, and I said I forgive those who murdered him. When that was flashed round the world, a lot of people prayed for me. I know it worked, because the next day, I was out walking the dog, and suddenly I was laughing and I couldn’t stop. It felt absolutely wonderful, and I know it was the Holy Spirit. I didn't know what was happening at the time, but ever since, my whole life has completely changed. It was a wonderful conversion. I would say I was a token Christian before, who went to church, but it didn't mean all that much to me.

"Forgiveness is not a natural human instinct. If someone has murdered your only child, you can't forgive them in your own power. It took me a long time to realise that. Forgiveness isn't a one-off. I have forgiven those who murdered Michael and I go on forgiving them, a lot of times. I ask God for grace every morning, and He doesn’t let me down. Bridie and I have been blessed by the grace of God - I'm not talking rubbish. I have proved it's true.

"When things make me sad, like seeing Michael's son Andrew, who was born three months after Michael died, God gives me the grace to forgive those people again. If you're humble enough to go to the well and get God's grace, then He gives it. And He gives us plenty - the overspill means I'm doing what I'm doing, working with the United Christian Aid charity in Romania. When we ask God for grace, there is no hatred in our hearts - it has to leave then.

"In Northern Ireland, we need a clearing of the air. God will forgive us, as we forgive those who trespass against us. God tends to get called in as a referee here, and not as a peacemaker."

Tori Dante's Story

She became a Christian after Cam - then her boyfriend, now her husband - found God through a friend in the music business. Tori describes how the abuse she had suffered darkened her whole adult life: "The effects were huge: I was anorexic, promiscuous, did drink and drugs, and I was angry and a control freak. Things had to be my way or no way. If the slightest thing went wrong, like running out of bread, I'd be so stressed about it, because I was trying to hide away from what was really bothering me."

Tori was instrumental in getting her father in court in 1999, where he was found guilty on eight sexual offence charges, several of which spanned many years. He was sentenced to prison for eight years and is likely to be released in 2004. He has never admitted that he abused her, even when Tori said she would drop the court case if he said sorry to her, privately. He still accuses her of lying.

Although today she is happily married with her own children, Tori came to realise that she was still living with abuse. "I'd be sitting there, not consciously thinking about my dad, but it was there all the time, brooding." In her recently published book Our Little Secret (Hodder & Stoughton), Tori describes how "all my life I'd been made to suffer for something that wasn't my fault; forgiveness certainly wasn't on my agenda." But, she says, "all the way along, God was there" and Tori began to allow God into her pain. "I prefer to use the term "letting go" than forgiveness, and I've let go as much as I can."

"I'm not angry with my father like I used to be - if he died tomorrow, I'd be sorry it had ended this way. He has never asked for my forgiveness, so that two-way forgiveness hasn't happened, and I don't hold out much hope of it happening, to be honest."

Tori thanks God for the restored relationship she enjoyed with her mother, in the months before she died of cancer last year. "I'm so thankful for that time together. Before my mum died, I understood where she'd been coming from. Although I didn't think it was right. I accepted that she lived the way she thought best. The majority of mothers behave this way in abuse cases - there was a lot of avoidance going on.

"I told her I held nothing against her, and she accepted that . I had good conversations about God with her. I had times of prayer with her and held her hand. She appreciated those prayers and we made up as much as we could.

"You're not going to get over anything like this unless you've actually dealt with it. Letting go means I can get on with my life now. It's so much better, but I still get stressed sometimes, when something comes to the surface. And I know it's time to go to God about things. I release another bit and He takes it away."

Lisa's Story

Lisa, now 30, has been married to policeman Andy for 10 years, and they have two young sons. He had always liked a drink, "but it was nothing abnormal, just something young people do", remembers Lisa. "But gradually I noticed he was bringing drink home and hiding it. He was a chronic drinker, so he didn't do it all the time but went on binges. We had one son at the time, and I was working full time, with a long journey home at the end of the day. I would get in at 6.30pm with the baby, not knowing what state he would be in. He was probably drinking about once a week or so then.

"It's not a cheap habit, and when we had our second child, I worked part time. Financially, things got steadily worse, and I would worry about how on earth we were going to pay back our overdraft.

"I began to realise something had to happen or our marriage was finished. The love dies when you feel you can't trust someone. I think I had always believed in God, and although my family didn't go to church, I used to go to Sunday school with a friend. I stopped going in my teenage years, but although I didn't have a prayer life as such, I would talk to an invisible God. When things were bad, I would be saying: "Please help me." And He did, in the most miraculous way."

Andy had been going to church when he was drunk, and talking to a supportive minister. Lisa began to go along too. "After that time when he tried to hit me he came to a dawning realisation of how bad the problem was. He talked to other people about it, and didn't try to do it on his own. The police have a drink and drugs unit, and have supported him all the way."

The couple eventually decided to get baptised, and, says Lisa, "we have been growing ever since then. Before I went to church, I used to have bouts of anger about what Andy was doing. But I realised that God forgives us everything, and I saw the drinking as a problem that Andy has.

"God created us in His image, and if He can forgive, then so can I. Andy's not done anything I can't forgive him for - he never hurt the children - and I have been given the gift of grace, so it's not a problem.

"If Andy is under pressure, the first thing he would still do is reach for the drink, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. And each time he does that, he learns something from it. It's like God gives us the key to unlock another little bit as He feels we can take it. Of course, sometimes it niggles and I get cross, but I never think I'm not going to forgive him this time. If you don't forgive, it eats you up inside, and you become the victim.

"I had experienced that in the past, when the chap I was engaged to went off with my best friend. He eventually left her, pregnant, and she now has MS. I knew I had to go round and say: "I forgive you." And she threw her arms around me. I learned from that, that if you carry hurt around inside, you cannot do the work of God. When you read the Bible about forgiveness, there's the story of the disciples asking Jesus how many times they should forgive - seven times? And He says 70 times seven - countless times. God has worked wonders for us."